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Holy shit I have a LJ.

GOD
Man, where to start?

I almost feel silly posting today, because of the gravity of a txt I got from D a few hours back. I wanna say first and foremost that I'm so sorry for your loss, man. I can't imagine. I wish I had something...mind-blowing to make any sliver of that pain go away. ♥

These months have been a blur, really. Nothing exciting but then a ton exciting all at once. So much and so little has happened that I'm not sure what's important enough to post about. The urge to just write something was too overwhelming tonight.
I've had a lot of time alone as of late...which I think is healthy. Alex is off training in Kentucky for his up-coming deployment and I have the house to (almost) myself. In his absence I have Ayla and Rumble, which is a pretty awesome temporary substitute. Ayla and family moved in not long ago, and I'm really happy to have them here. I think I'd be pulling my hair out with loneliness at this point! Chevy is spending the night tonight, Ayla's mom's little husky mix. She's a sweety and I wish we could steal her away. :D
I do miss Alex though. Being constantly at someone's side for over a year makes it almost crippling to have torn away. Shen can attest to this. She lives all the way up in Denton with no one. I can't imagine it. But, I'm not Shen-tastic.

Hopefully when Alex gets home in a couple months we can get married. I want to throw a decent wedding, big enough for an excuse for my out-of-townies to come down to visit. I can't think of where to have it. I want somewhere big enough for everyone to be comfy, but also not too expensive so we can afford plenty of food and booze. Mostly booze. Cause it's a fucking wedding, and I don't want mine to suck. Damn, you know I didn't even think of River Legacy park...and it's be during the summer, so it'd be warm enough for sure. Huh. I knew writing out my thoughts would help! Course, I still wanna browse a bit before I seal anything.
The one thing I know for sure is that I want a dress like this stunning masterpiece here. I gotta get some quotes from a seamstress, because that exact one is $3000. :/ Nooo fucking way. I also gotta figure out what rings and you know...how to afford it all. HEH.

Most of the free time I have I spend...wow, doing nothing really. I need to start reading again. I've been keeping myself fairly busy with hanging with my mom and cleaning. As soon as I get my tax stuff done I can look back into getting into school again. Taking a year off was really awesome. I think it helped get my blood pumping again for archeaology and paleontology. You can't miss what's not gone, right? Having be deprived of school makes me long for it, which is amazing since I was SO FUCKING SICK OF IT before. Man, 2009 was so rough.

I guess that was a good rant for now. Not really a rant but a flush of thoughts. I'll keep you guys updated on what's going on as far as my wedding stuff goes. I hope I can pull this off. 2010, be awesome please!!

-V

My compass is spinning.

upset linky
Life takes us in fun directions. This time it's taking me back.
After looking at our funds, we've realized (after me crying a lot) that the smartest thing to do with our money and for my education is for me to go back to my parents after the lease runs out in December. Alex leaves November, so the timing is almost perfect. It gives me a month to get things straightened out and let my wounds heal with him leaving before I settle back at mom and dad's. The pluses are good ones: saving money, back to school, and I can take Cassie with me.
The cons of course are the ones you expect: I don't want to go back. I like my independence. I feel like a child again.
It is the smartest choice...I know that. But when Alex had to break the news to me that I couldn't stay here after he left, it was a lot to take on at once. I didn't want to leave, I didn't want him to leave...it was all going to hell via autobahn. As fast as it could. Once I calmed down and got my head right, I knew he was right. I was just in denial about it. I miss him already.
The good news is, he'll be visiting home again a couple times before he leaves for Iraq. He comes home once for x-mas, again in May, then I think once more in July or August before he's gone. Still, it's going to be tough. It will be nice to finish up at school...though I still don't want to go back. I'm tired of it. Plus I dunno what I want anymore. What the hell am I going to do with my degree? I guess I'm just discouraged right now. :P I feel mopey.

Shen and I are supposed to hang out soon. I'm waiting on her to get out of work. It's calm and still in the house. Alex is at work and Cassie is sleeping on the couch. I sit snuggled in my robe typing away. I'm looking forward to NaNoWriMo.

Hm.

Writing to hide

off to save the world
I feel icky today. Alex is sick, throwing up sick, so I know it's only a matter of time before this virus hits me all out. My stomach hurts, I feel kinda weak and drained. My damn head is the biggest problem. I also think I've gained some weight so I'm kinda being mopey today.

I'm getting geared up for NaNo this year, since last year was an utter flop. This time last year I was trying to get into a place to live and going ape shit with school. But this year is going to be different. I'm going to be alone, probably depressed and bored out of my mind. SO! What better way to distract myself from the sadness to come than working on a novel? :D (I smile so I don't cry)

I'm still not sure what to do about plot, though I have some rough ideas. Once I get something a little bit more tangible, I'll post it here for some possible feed back.

Alex is up, time to go play Dr. Caringgirlfriend. Bye! <3

GGRAh

teggy
I'm hella bored tonight. Alex is off with his guys, I'm lacking activities to keep me sane, and Cassie is being lazy. I really gotta find a hobby...I'm going stir crazy.

What the hell am I going to do when he's gone if just a couple days a week I'm this painstakingly BORED? Fuck.

Sep. 15th, 2009

tired
Why can't I stop sleeping? I slept for hours and I feel like I wanna crawl back into bed. o.0;;

Best dream ever.

chu!
I had a dream that I knew I was dreaming....so I took control.

First things first, when I know I'm dreaming I always fly. ALWAYS. So I flew around this beautiful area, were there where beautiful houses raised high above the ocean on poles, the ocean was bright blueish green and sparkling. There were shops between them with crystals and chocolate and pretty things. Other big houses on land were big and luxurious. Gardens on the roof tops, the sun was always just about to set and the dusk was a vivid orange fire.
I found Alex walking down one of the warm streets, and I told him we were dreaming. "How are you flying?" he asked me, looking puzzled but then excited. "I wanna fly!"
"It's a dream," I told him again. "just will it to happen. This is my favorite part." So he grinned and we flew a little bit, and landed on one of the many ocean shops between the houses. I looked at the crystals they sold and realized how perfect the many colors sparkled from the sun. Alex gave me a big box of Godiva chocolate as we sat watching the perfect scenery. "Not gonna lie," he said. "I had a look inside."
I popped it open to see the box, though small in my hands, went down many levels with all different kinds of chocolates....and there was a good 20 pieces missing. I laughed and asked him, "Did you look at the chocolates or eat them?" He shrugged and reassured me there was plenty in there. As I looked over the box in quite awe, the shop around us had morphed into a Godiva store, and we had our free roam of it. Alex cracked open a spicy chocolate bunny as I ran my fingers over the chocolates from the box. I had just found the hazelnut praline...

"Hey, baby, you know it's noon?" Alex said from the bedroom door and the dream faded into sunlight.

*stretch*

bad ass
I've been away for about and hour and a half and I'm feeling pretty good. These late nights and late wakings are making the days fly by at a fun pace...I don't like to linger too long in them lately. It seems every so often I get a good day, and so far it's going fine.

I've been laying around today reading Clash of Kings, sipping coffee and forgetting my woes. Alex is going to call TI again to see if there's any updates while I sit with my fingers crossed. Lately we've been renting more games to help entertain us through our crappy times. That is a good perk of working for GameStop...probably the only one...is that I can check out games for 4 days.
The first one we check out was the new Batman game. Gotta say, totally a 9 out of 10. The only reason it's not perfect is the replay value is pretty low. Once you beat it, there's no reason to play again unless you crave being the Dark Knight more than one epic time. The puzzles are like crack, the story line gripping, the game-play phenomenal. The only beef I have with it is that you can't keep your upgrades when you start a new game. That would have made it at 10.
The next in line after Batman, which is a hard act to follow, was Prototype. Awful game. Alex says 6 out of 10, I say more like 5 if best. Controls are wonky, plot is stupid, graphics suck ass. Rent it but for the love of Jebus don't buy it.

Back to the book aspect of things, the second in the series Clash of Kings is pretty awesome. Not as fast paced as Game of Thrones, but it's still early in the book. I'm almost at half, and there's some radical plot points in the making. Jon Snow still owns my soul, and Arya Stark is my second favorite, followed very closely by Tyrion Lannister. I have a good feeling that Jamie Lannister is going to explode into the ranks soon but we'll see.
Wanna see something reeeeally cool? LOOK AT DIS.
This is almost as cool as this piece of heaven.

Sigh. If only.

I want more posters and art for this house. I wish I could go shopping so bad. That sounds reeeally shallow I know...I should be grateful for food, a house, and such but...man, I want new clothes and neat stuffs. Me and Alex's anniversary is coming up on the 27th, and I can't get him anything. Nor can he get me anything. Nor can we...DO anything. I wish we could at least go to a movie or something fun. Anything to break the cycle. I suppose curling up on the couch and snuggling and loving each other completely will have to do.
Wait. What's awesome! :D

Off to read more!!~~♥

-v

yeah well...done.

teggy
I believe that hospital trips shouldn't cost you a couple hundred or thousand dollars. Especially when it was an emergency, and it's not like we had another choice.

Alex had an accident last night when we were about to go to bed. We have spiders in the house, so like every night, we shake out the bed covers to make sure no nasty little things are hiding inside them. In a one in a million chance, Alex snaps the blanket in just such a way that the over head glass bulb covering on the ceiling is spun off is flown at his skull. The gash was horrible. Gushing, pulsing gash that bleeds just everywhere. So, holy shit, we go to the ER. They demand money. We have no insurance.
Fuck you guys. You can kiss my ASS.
They are obligated by law to treat us so they do...but oh god were they UPSET when we had to break the news that we have no money. Pulling pocket change onto the counter, I informed them this is all we got. They demanded at last $10. I shrugged, told them sorry. At this point I'm not sorry, because what the hell do they expect poor people to do? Bleed?

We applied for foodstamps today. Hopefully we faxed our info in time to get something this month...because starving isn't fun. Our internet/cable bill is due today...so I might be without means of contacting the outside world for a bit.

Oh well.

Fuck it.

teggy
You know that standared car that my parents got for me and Alex? The only car we have since the others ones we had completely died?

My brother stole it, got high on heroine and drunk, flipped it a couple times, and completely destroyed it.

Yeah.

He's fine. Couple of cracked vertebrae in his neck but he'll live. But he's going back to prison I'm almost sure of it.

And I couldn't be happier.

Aug. 11th, 2009

GOD
I think I've been so tired because I've been so stressed. I can't get enough sleep...and things just won't ease up. I'm so tired.

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GOD
vego
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